Grieving

My mom died last week. This is the biggest thing I’ve been scared of my whole life. She had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of glioblastoma in June 2022, and we knew from that day forward what the ultimate outcome was going to be. Even with 8 months to prepare, it’s still a shock. How can you ever be ready for this?

For the most part, I’m numb. The past week has been a whirlwind of planning, being surrounded by people, answering the same questions, giving the same canned responses, forcing smiles, and just powering through the days. And now there’s silence. Now life continues on while feeling as if it’s at a complete stop at the same time.

Every now and then the numbness wears off and I just feel lost. Or in denial that she’s really gone. All I really know is that my life is forever changed. I’m forever changed. And this is the time in between…the time where I come into something new, but it’s still forming and taking shape around me. I’m smack dab in the middle of transition.

Dealing with loss can be one of the most difficult experiences to go through. Whether you’ve experienced a death or the dissolution of a relationship, it’s normal to feel sadness, anger, confusion, and despair.

People talk about a “cycle of grief.” I don’t really see it that way; I see it more as a wave that fluctuates between a wide array and degree of emotions. Society today, however, knows it as the grief cycle. While I believe it to be more complicated, grief is typically taught as the following stages:

1. Denial
   When we first experience a loss, we may go into a state of disbelief. We may feel paralyzed and unable to accept what has happened. This stage can be a form of self-protection, as denial can allow us to accept the loss more slowly and better manage the initial shock.
2. Anger
   Whether it’s outwardly expressed or internally directed, feeling angry is a normal response to loss. We may find ourselves taking out our frustration on those around us, leading to arguments and tense situations. It’s important to take care of ourselves during this stage, and instead of taking out our frustrations on others, find ways to express it in healthy ways.
3. Bargaining
   When we’re in the bargaining stage, we may go through our heads, searching for ways to undo the loss. We may find ourselves looking for explanations, justifications, and even solutions. But it’s important to remember that, ultimately, this stage is futile and you’ll need to come to terms with the loss.
4. Depression
   Depression is an inevitable outcome of grief. At this stage, we come to accept the truth, and that can result in an overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair. While it’s important to acknowledge this emotion and take the time needed to properly grieve, you can also seek help from a mental health professional who will be able to provide tools to help manage the depression.
5. Acceptance
   The final stage of grief is acceptance. We can come to terms with the reality of the loss and find a way to move forward with our lives. At this stage, we may be able to find a sense of peace and even recognize the positive changes that come with the loss.

Grief is an individual experience and no two people are likely to go through the 5 stages in the same way. Everyone has their own unique reaction to loss, and the key is to allow yourself to fully feel whatever emotion comes up in the moment.

How do we process these huge losses? Create a way to express your emotions in a healthy way:

• write
• Draw
• paint
• create a physical memorial
• bake their signature dish
• Write letters to them whenever you feel the need to speak to them.
• Find a support group or therapist.

What ways do you remember and honor your loved ones?