For years my furniture has been arranged in the exact same way: sofa sectional along the main wall, credenza directly across from the sofa, ottoman in between, and TV on a small stand on the third wall. I sat for years in the same exact spot on the sofa: the first cushion I would come to, directly across from the TV. My back would always be to the rest of the house, my vision always facing a small section of the living room.

2022 brought many things to me…building a life with my boyfriend, my mother’s illness, growth, and a new living room arrangement. Nothing drastic…there’s not enough room for a drastic change in there…but the simple act of moving my TV to the credenza, removing the small stand, and changing my normal seating location to the chaise lounge on the opposite side of where I normally sat. Big deal right? It was. I can’t count the number of hours I spent anxious because of that small change.

Changing my position literally changed my daily perspective. Instead of only looking in one small area of the living room, I now saw the kitchen, the dining room, the mess, the CLUTTER, every strand of dog fur… my poor boyfriend has now had to live through at least one small “tantrum”a week over the clutter in the house. Just because now that I can see it, the actual clutter causes me anxiety.

The arrangement before was simple. Walk in, sit down, focus on the tidy spot in front of me, get up, move easily to another area of the house. Now I’m stepping over things, dodging the ottoman, tripping over the rug, basically running an obstacle course anytime I stand up or sit down. I’m now forced to confront the hot mess that is my house 90% of the time. I realize now what I once considered cramped but cozy is now just not working for me anymore.

I could have gone back to the old way. Same old safe spot on the couch, TV back in the usual place, eyes focused on the tidy spot in front of me – content and happy. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I’m facing the truth of the situation. I’m facing the hot mess that is in my house. Facing away from it won’t change the fact that it’s there, it just means I’m avoiding it.

Nothing will ever be truly fixed and healed until we stop avoiding the hot messes of our lives. We must be willing to open our eyes to the truth. We must be willing to make a change…even just simply changing where we sit in our living rooms…to see what’s really going on in our lives and the world around us. Being open-minded, being willing to acknowledge and face your own hot mess is where the work begins! Nothing will magically just disappear, WE must do the work!

Have you ever felt like you were getting swept up into something much bigger than you? Like being a player in a divinely orchestrated script?

Meeting someone you normally would have never crossed paths with, but now is such a huge part of your life? Taking a different route home on a whim to find out later you avoided getting caught up in an accident? These little seemingly small, innocent moments that end up having a huge domino effect in your life. You know, where people painstakingly arrange tiles of dominoes vertically in designs so they can make them tumble into a pattern? One tile knocking the other down until the entire row falls into a bigger picture.

This happened to me recently: an innocent act of kindness leading to a whirlwind of events out of my control.

What was the catalyst of all this drama? A spiritual domino effect.

Driving to my parents every other week allows me to listen to many audiobooks and podcasts. One podcast lead me to a book that I’d bought many years ago but never took the time to read: Eat, Pray, Love. I decided to purchase the audiobook and listen during the commute. During one part of the book, the author goes to visit a Balinese medicine man who asks her what gift she would like to receive from the universe. I paused to think, what one gift would I ask to be given? My answer was: to have mastery over my emotions.

My emotions tend to rule my life and my decision making. Since I tend to avoid things that make me uncomfortable, I’ve missed out on many experiences and relationships. Normally I’m the kind of person who has a big emotional reaction to unpleasant things in my life…especially if I feel out of control and feeling forced to do something I don’t want to do. I can admit this about myself – I react instead of being rational, and I overreact to top it all off.

The Bible says “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” So, I prayed, “Dear God, will you please help me learn how to master my emotions so they don’t control my life?”

Be careful what you ask for…5 minutes later someone driving their car too quickly decided to honk their horn at me because I wasn’t moving fast enough for them. I became enraged! I was fuming and giving them a piece of my mind when suddenly a truck turns in front of me causing me to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting them. The difference between the two incidents was I wasn’t angry at them even though they put me in physical danger.

These emotional responses confused me. Why did I feel rage at one and not the other? So I went through my problem solving tree mentioned in a previous post. I asked all the questions until the only answer left was – I resent people trying to force me to do something I don’t want to do, but I can easily forgive ignorance.

Now, a few days later I find myself caught up in a bigger drama. I got sucked into something I wanted no part in, but I was given little choice. Remembering what I had asked God for, I decided to try a new stance. I was going to be an observer of the events and listen to the facts while keeping my emotions in check. All of these dominoes painstakingly put in place by the divine were falling one by one, and I was just going to watch them fall with no emotional attachment.

I hated being in the situation, but I reveled in the feeling of quiet peace that came over me. Whenever anxiety or anger came over me, I reminded myself that this emotion was temporary. This situation was temporary. I’m merely a domino put in place for someone else’s lesson. I don’t have to feel all of this negativity and pain for something that would leave as quickly as it came.

How many times do we do this to ourselves? We let ourselves get swept away by the yucky feelings that make us feel bad then do everything in our power to make them stop. The answer is, in fact, just on the other side of those yucky emotions.

How to find the answer? Breathe. Remind yourself these feelings are temporary; the situation is temporary. Look for the lesson and how you can grow. Go through the emotional problem solving tree. Ask for divine help to get through the situation and for clarity as to why it is here. Then just listen and watch for it to unfold.

I spent the last hour of my work day dodging wooden blocks and Legos. They were being hurled at me and any other adult in the room by a small child with surprisingly good aim. He was dressed neatly, dark hair in place, mouth opened slightly to show his snaggle-teeth growing in place where his baby teeth had just been. He’s been through a lot in his short life – major traumas back-to-back that most adults haven’t even experienced. Watching, all I could think of was how angry, hurt, and unsafe he must feel to go to these lengths to keep people away and (in his eyes) protect himself.

The irony was that I, too, had just had my own moment of anger and attempts to release my rage. Ducking the block thrown at me, I realized that I was watching this child physically act out my own inner struggle.

I’ve been experiencing some pretty intense emotions for the past six months. Most recently, anger has been a frequent guest. Most emotions come and go, and I expected that these feelings would fade away too. But anger kept returning in one form or another….I’m angry about my mom being sick, angry about the things she may not be able to experience in the future, angry at this person, angry at another person, angry about different situations at work. Each time I would turn to what I preach: Feel the emotion and release it. But…I couldn’t release it. It kept popping back up and getting worse and worse.

As often happens, the information I needed just so happened to pop up….I read something that said before the behavior there came an emotion; before the emotion there came a need. I learned a very valuable lesson with this tidbit: it’s not always enough to simply feel an emotion and release it. Our emotions are messengers of a bigger problem. If something keeps popping up, there is a need behind it. Only when I asked myself what I was needing did I realize why I’ve been angry: I don’t feel in control of my life anymore. All these things are happening that I don’t like and that I don’t want and I’m powerless to stop it. That little boy was a mirror for me. Two human beings feeling angry about the things going on in their lives they have no control over.

Most of the time we allow our emotions to stop us from moving forward – we feel their intensity and physiological effects and stop there. Image if you were to simply allow yourself to feel the emotion…to allow the “wave” to pass through your body until calm returns. You can then move forward into analyzing and problem solving. What freedom to know that emotions are simply trying to tell us something instead of stopping us entirely!

While it’s easy to slap the label “angry” or “sad” (or whatever) on any given situation, there’s a lot more complex emotions going on than simply being one emotion. Anger, sadness, happiness, etc. are all what are called umbrella emotions – there’s hundreds of feelings that we experience under them, and hundreds of words to describe them. To really know what’s going on with us, we have to be able to name them, work out what they’re trying to tell us, and get to the core of what we need. Next time you have an emotion that keeps popping up, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What am I feeling?
2. Why am I feeling ____________?
3. What is this emotion trying to tell me?
4. Is this an umbrella emotion? If so, what other words can I use to describe how I’m feeling?
5. What do I need in order to release this emotion?
6. What is the core need behind what I’m feeling?
7. What steps can I take to resolve this need?

To sum it all up: The emotions we feel are trying to tell us messages. Once we learn how to read and understand what those messages are, the quicker and more able we are to heal and move on. Allow the physical and psychological respond to the emotion fade…just sit with it…breathe through it, and when it passes ask what the emotions are trying to tell you.

Here in the U.S. we are gearing up for the holiday season. This time of year we are preparing meals, we’re traveling, cleaning, stressing, getting ready to stuff our faces with our traditional meals we enjoy for Thanksgiving, and spending time with our loved ones if we’re able.

This time last year I was at my parents’ house. The Thanksgiving meal was being postpone until my brother and his family came, so my parents and I ended up eating at the prestigious Waffle House. I have a picture of them – they’re sitting in the booth, smiling for the camera, completely oblivious to the silly cartoon Snapchat filter I had superimposed on their faces. Our reality was completely different in that moment. Vastly different from our current reality. We were all different people then and blissfully naive to the changes we would face in the next year.

This year I feel a little wiser to what being thankful truly is. 2022 has brought highs and lows, and left me immensely grateful and thankful for all the “one mores.”

One more Thanksgiving.

One more hug.

One more laugh.

One more moment of togetherness.

If I could go back to that moment in the picture, maybe I would encourage that version of me to listen a little more closely, hug a little longer, or converse more deeply. Maybe I would just let her stay in blissful ignorance.

This year, I’m aware. I’m aware that these moments are gifts – this time is precious. The “one mores” are desperate silent pleas of “Please, please, please just one more…”

There’s a regret of taking for granted the little moments and interactions that made up my experience and relationship with my mom. She would often say (in jest and otherwise), “You’ll miss me when I’m gone!” I took that for granted too, rolling my eyes or making a sarcastic remark in return.

I’m one of the lucky ones who enjoys spending holidays with my family. Luckily, mom was always in charge and had everything down to a science. I just had to show up and come to the table when I was called. It was easy to just hang out watching TV and occasionally yelling “Can I help do anything?” showing everyone I’m willing to help but she doesn’t want me in the kitchen…what to do?

I coasted. I loved it. I always looked forward the what was coming next… but I missed the opportunities that were right in front of my face. I had a mini meltdown yesterday trying to make her cornbread dressing – I had the most unhelpful description of a recipe ever, missing ingredients, and worrying she wouldn’t like how I decided to make it instead. I didn’t go in there to watch and learn how she did it all those years. I wish now that she can’t make it that I had.

So, if I have to leave you with one piece of advice:

We are living and experiencing life right now – in this moment…not in the regrets of the past or the anxiety of the future. Be present for it. Savor it. Laugh at the corny dad jokes, memorize the taste of your mom’s casserole she makes every year, roll your eyes if you must, but notice and appreciate the man your brother has become as he’s yelling at the football ref on TV…play all the games with your kids, nieces and nephews. In short – be present and participate in the life going on around you.

We take for granted that we will always have “one more,” but the truth is there will be a time where “one more” becomes the last one. Fixating on the sadness of this grim fact can ruin the moment just the same as being disconnected. Instead, sit in the gratitude; in the pure thanksgiving and celebration of this person, this moment, the time you’re sharing together, and the happy memories you have with each other.

Wishing you and yours a very happy, emotionally healthy, and present holiday season,

Sarah

The good news: I’m in the middle of publishing my FIRST CHILDREN’S BOOK!!!!

The bad news: I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s causing some anxiety. OK, alternating levels of anxiety. On one hand, I’m excited! I’ve been wanting to publish a book for years! The little girl version of me who would type out short stories on her dad’s old word processor is jumping for joy! Then I started researching…

Man…millions upon millions of children’s books are published each…year…

I joined support groups online to get tips and advice on how to market, promote, sell, etc. etc etc. And while I got some good info, I also got discouraged!

I’m trying to juggle the inner back-and-forth of wanting to be proud and excited and ambitious with the self-doubt, managing expectations, identifying what’s realistic and not, and the dialogue from other authors that tell me not to get my hopes up about book sales.

This finally came to a head when I had a mini meltdown planning my launch party. I went from gung-ho and “all in” to screw this it’s doomed anyway. A good night’s sleep and talking it out with my work bestie got me back to my equilibrium.

This is one of my biggest struggles – the constant back and forth of my thoughts. I want to be positive so I think positive thoughts. Then my fear and doubt creep in…then it’s negative. It’s all the bad things that have happened in the past and why things won’t be better in the future. Then I try to dispute the negative thoughts with the positive thoughts. But at this point I can’t convince myself and the cynical side of me is just sitting there with her arms folded and a snarky smirk saying “Oh really?”

It seems so much easier and safer to be cynical and snarky and negative. I can’t be disappointed that it failed if I knew all along it was going to fail. The fall isn’t nearly as far if I’m standing on a step stool rather than the top of a ladder.

I was always told to beat negative thinking you have to retrain your brain by thinking 3 positive thoughts for every negative thought. And it’s always been a difficult chore to complete. I will never believe I’m beautiful when I’ve thought and heard my whole life that I was ugly. And maybe it’s more realistic for me to focus on different outcomes.

Instead of focusing on tangible outcomes like number of books sold, profit/loss, etc. I’ll focus on the reason why I thought the book was so important to publish. The subjective reasons. Wanting children to read a certain message, making a difference in the lives of children and their mental health, and being proud of an accomplishment – checking an item off my bucket list.

If you can’t look at a positive you don’t believe, shift your focus.

WORK IN PROGRESS! 2023!

“Do you think you might be depressed?”

I had just cried for the 4th time in a restaurant – a pattern that was newly emerging. Go out to eat with a friend, answer their questions and talk about my emotions about my mother, and cry over the meal with the waiter glancing uncomfortably at me deciding whether to address the tears or ignore them. My boyfriend and I were driving home after this last episode and intuitively this is the question he asked.

“Do you think you might be depressed…” Tears burst from my eyes yet again and I began sobbing. I was OK I insisted through the tears. I can’t remember if I said that to him or if I was just trying to convince myself in my head.

This is the normal start of the spiral. I convince myself that I’m OK and that I’m just allowing myself to feel my feelings. Then my old friend social anxiety shows up. My thoughts get dark and paranoid. I withdraw from society and friends. I get irritable towards loved ones. I just want to stay in bed and my hygiene declines. I cry a lot. A lot, a lot. I’m in denial about what’s going on in my head until it hits me one day….. yeah. I’m depressed.

My brain is literally blank. I can’t think. I can’t remember. The brain fog is a major problem. I can’t focus on what to do let alone make a plan on how to execute it. I’m exhausted and have no energy. My thoughts tells me it’s pointless anyway…nothing matters.

The therapist in me is making a list of all the things I need to do in order to bounce back. It’s the same canned prescribed grad school level “cure-alls” like talking to friends, going for a walk, self-care, do a favorite hobby… The depressed me is telling the therapist me to go screw herself and goes back to bed. I don’t want to do those things because it’s not going to fix the problem. Going for a walk isn’t going to stop my mother from dying. The prescription isn’t strong enough to be a cure. And some days I do go back to bed. Some days I get up and just go through the motions. Some days it’s not so bad. But every day I know it will get better. So, even though I’m not here 100%, I’m still proud of myself for showing up. And that’s how it starts to get better.

This past week has been a trip down memory lane. I’m working on cleaning out my parents’ storage unit a few boxes at a time. I’m going through them one-by-one and deciding what items should be kept, donated, or trashed. So far it’s been a bunch of books and keepsakes my parents kept from my childhood.

I always laugh at my childhood self – man was she such a weirdo! Not to mention that every thing I wrote was clear evidence that 1. I was undiagnosed ADHD; and 2. Hooked-On-Phonics did NOT work for me. Whoever taught me to “just sound the word out” when learning how to spell did me no favors.

My discoveries also included 2 cassette tapes from the 90s…the underrated, highly acclaimed soundtrack to some Ninja Turtles movie, and a mystery tape. Cue the suspenseful music…

This mystery cassette is the exotic color of clear. You can see the brown tape wound around the spindles. The front has a medical label with pretyped areas for the patient’s name, date, case number, and physician’s name to be added at the time of the recording. Watch out HIPAA laws, because these are all filled in with names I don’t recognize. On the back, written in permanent marker, “This side for your ears only. Listen alone.”

I found the cassette in a box of my dad’s old things, so I sent him a picture of the front and back along with a teasing text message. Much to my disappointment, he doesn’t recognize the tape or the names either. No clue.

I didn’t listen to it for days. It wasn’t mine and I didn’t feel right about it….until today. Curiosity got the better of me. My boyfriend grabbed his old cassette player, popped the tape in, and hit play. Much to my amazement, the voice on the tape was that of a young girl. Slight Southern accent, and she’s speaking in a way that suggests a hint of desperation. She calls me by my name. “Sarah…you guys may never talk to me again, but I’ll always be your best friend.” She repeats this a few times…”I’ll always be your best friend.” And she’s upset when she says this. Then she masterfully records the song “I’ll Stand By You” by The Pretenders, which is no easy feat back in the 90s. There was a lot of time and effort that was put into the making of that tape.

My first reaction was an uncomfortable laugh. Laughing at the fact this mystery medical tape I was creating various scenarios around ended up just being a mix tape for me from the 90s. Then I laughed at the fact that we even made mix tapes in the first place back then and all the time and energy it took to make them. But, I was really uncomfortable listening to this girl who was upset because of something I had done. I don’t know who she is. I don’t know what was going on at the time. The best guess I have is that it was some middle school drama over something stupid…you know, the usual.

I was also uncomfortable because it held a mirror up to my face. I don’t have a ton of memories from childhood – I’m an “out of sight out of mind” person when it comes to recalling memories. I’ve spent a large portion of my life remembering situations where I was bullied or excluded. I even had ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) sessions around mean girl interactions from childhood. I remember being the victim, but don’t remember being the perpetrator. And here is irrefutable proof that I have caused another person emotional pain.

I know who the mean girls were in my life at that time…could I have been someone else’s mean girl?

I left to drive the 3 hours to my parents’ house where I then had a flood of memories where I was not the best person in various situations. Where I was the mean girl. Where I flaked out on people. Where I lacked the ability to communicate effectively and lacked the courage to even try…so I just bailed. I’ve never claimed to be the perfect person, but dang. I’ve done some messed up stuff. I’ve hurt people. There is definitely an ugly side to me that has and can come out.

It would be very easy to backslide and beat myself up about these discoveries. Being a victim is a coat I wear well (as history shows). Beating myself up and punishing myself for mistakes I’ve made is the real childhood memento found in those boxes. Here’s what I’m going to do instead:

1. I’m going to separate that version of myself from the person I currently am.
2. I’m going to forgive that version of myself and give her the knowledge I have now that I didn’t have then.
3. I’m going to thank and honor the girl who made the mix tape. She had the courage to do what I couldn’t…and still sometimes can’t…
4. I’m going to recognize the unhealthy patterns I have and work to break the cycle.

Healing isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. It’s realizing the harsh reality that we’re not always the victim. Sometimes we’re the perpetrator. To others and to ourselves. We all have dark sides to us that we may struggle with. We have to acknowledge our shadow self, look it in the face, and give this part of ourselves love. Healing is work – we have to learn new, healthier ways of dealing with our shadow self and work to break the cycle. Holding yourself accountable for your actions and reactions is one of the best things you can do for yourself!

My mom has finished her first round of chemo and radiation. After facing and getting through the part she dreaded the most, she has found herself in the Christmas spirit. She listened to the classic Christmas songs during her treatments and has now decided that she wants to decorate the house for Christmas early, tree and all.

I, on the other hand, am ready for Halloween. I bought new decorations to adorn the house and have started that spooky season in my traditional way – listening to one of my favorite podcasts: Spooked. Spooked is dedicated to nothing other than giving people a platform to tell their stories and tales of ghosts, ghouls, and the supernatural. It’s a perfect way to kick off this time of the year….in my humble opinion.

I have been listening nonstop for the past week and heard a story that started me down one of my famous ADHD rabbit holes. The gist of the story was the classic urban legend…girl driving down the road late at night sees someone walking alongside the road. As she gets closer, it becomes clear that something is amiss with the person walking. It isn’t a person at all, but a translucent apparition of a woman murdered by her husband. The story goes on to give the history and describe how this woman is in an unending cycle of walking the path she took that fateful night decades ago.

For whatever reason, I love this stuff. I’m always down for a good scary story, ghost hunt, murder mystery, etc. Naturally, I’ve learned a thing or two over the years. The type of haunting described in the Spooked story is classified as a “residual haunting.” This type of haunting theoretically happens when something traumatic happens and the negativity associated with the trauma leaves a type of imprint on the environment. This imprint basically records the events and they then play on repeat. Don’t @ me, I didn’t come up with this stuff…

So what does this have to do with mental health? My venture down the rabbit hole lead to an epiphany that this is same exact thing as rumination. Rumination is the term we use to describe the act of thinking the same thoughts and replaying all those cringe moments from our lives on repeat in our minds. These negative thoughts and images just go on an endless loop until we do something to stop the thoughts.

How does this all tie in? We’re essentially haunting ourselves. Read that again. Let it sink in. We’re haunting ourselves by reliving the same moments, thinking the same thoughts over and over again.

The question the storyteller on the podcast asked was why would this woman want to experience the worst moment of her life over and over. Man, none of us who ruminate want to relive these moments, but we just do it. It’s what our brain does. We already have an underlying belief that we’re stupid, we’re not good enough, no one likes us, etc. and these moments are our evidence. Whatever event we’re reliving in our minds created yucky feelings that imprinted on us and it plays on an endless loop.

My theory is that many of us with depression and anxiety end up making things worse for ourselves when we allow our thoughts and irrational beliefs to spiral out of control. We create a nightmare for ourselves that we have to live in because we aren’t working on healing the traumas that happened to us. The yucky feelings, fears, irrational beliefs are the monsters in the closet, the ghost on the side of the road, and the killer stalking us. Rumination is the unhealed moments ricocheting around in our minds – a direct beacon to what we need to work on. Thoughts and images screaming for a resolution where we give ourselves love, grace and acceptance.

We spend so much time and energy trying to avoid the things that make us feel yucky, we don’t even realize that healing is just on the other side of that avoidance. If this is something you struggle with, find a trusted professional and begin facing your demons. That’s why people say this phrase – we create or worsen our own problems. Sit with the yucky feelings. See that these feelings pass and there are things you can do to cope with them in a healthy way. You can stop the loop!

Let’s have a crash course in anxiety. There’s many different types of disorders and new names and flashy pop psych phenomenon popping up all the time. All these disorders have something in common, but have different symptoms that set them apart from each other. Fun fact: anxiety disorders are the most common mental health condition in the US effecting over 40 million of the adult population. Most people experience symptoms before the age of 21.

Anxiety is what I call an umbrella emotion. It has one label, but covers a multitude of other emotions like fear, dread, restlessness, irritability, hypervigilance, anger, sadness, etc.

I, myself, have 2 of these disorders: Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety. So basically, when I’m not worried about being around people and socializing (among other things), I’m just worried about everything else in my spare time. I say this in jest, but it’s also the truth. Luckily some days are better than others, and as I’ve learned more about myself and healed, it’s lessened over time.

Anxiety is a real thing, and the toll it can have on our brains, emotional state, and bodies is a real thing. When we become scared or anxious our body responds by releasing chemicals and hormones. These chemicals and hormones cause physical reactions. Some of the most common responses are an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, our muscles tense, shallow breathing, etc. Our body goes into fight mode. How do you think we feel after we go through all this? Tired! And no wonder…so much energy is being used during this time.

If you think of your body like a cell phone battery – what percentage of battery do you use during an anxious episode. How many anxious episodes do you have a day? A week? A month?

Not only are we using energy during these episodes, it also takes energy to manifest and manage the anxiety.

Manifesting anxiety???? Whaaaaaat? Yes, we do it all the time. Our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and body are all intertwined. At the height of my social anxiety I was convinced that everyone was watching me, scrutinizing my every move, and making fun of me. I was constantly having an unhealthy inner dialogue with myself and looking for evidence to prove my thoughts. I dressed in a way where I thought I was hiding from people, but I was really standing out. I did things in an attempt to hide, but brought more attention on myself. I was causing the very thing I was trying to avoid!

Your feelings are valid. Your physical symptoms are valid. Now the challenge is figuring out if your way of thinking is valid. This week I invite you to take a look at the types of cognitive distortions below and identify which ones you use. Awareness and knowledge are always the key to recovery!

Ugh, then there’s our thoughts. If I had a dollar for every time I told myself I should do or be or say a certain thing… or looked at a benign situation and created a disaster scenario… These are called distorted thinking. It’s a pattern of thinking that’s effected by irrational beliefs and not based on facts. We get into habits of thinking a certain way that is based in negativity and negatively impacts us.

Below is a list of common cognitive distortions. Which ones do you resonate with? Awareness is always the first step in working towards change and growth. Once you realize that your beliefs and thoughts are impacting your anxiety and behaviors, you can begin challenging and correcting them.

Ask yourself:

• What event triggered these thoughts?
• What are my beliefs/thoughts about the event?
• What were the consequences of thinking this way?
• What evidence proves these thoughts about the event are true?
• What are the alternative reasons why the event occurred?
• What can I do differently next time?

Over the past couple of years I kept hearing the phrase “it’s all just an illusion.” I never really understood what that meant until this past weekend. I was listening to a podcast where salesmen for big money corporations talked shop and the secrets to their successful careers, and it suddenly made sense. Psychology and propaganda. Allow me to elaborate…

Do you ever just sit and really watch a commercial? No? Just me?

Luckily with streaming services we can avoid them for the most part, but once upon a time society was bombarded with them. There was no escaping them unless we wanted to risk missing part of our favorite show (with no ability to pause, reward, or start the show over…shocking I know.) commercials had a captive audience.

Psychology is used for everything. Everything. To grocery store layouts, police interrogation tactics, car sales, and you guessed it…commercials. So the basic reason behind an ad is make you aware of a product, a company, and to entice you to buy said product from said company. But how do they entice us? They either appeal to our desires or resort to fear mongering.

Buy this car and you’ll drive through creeks and up mountains while laughing with your best bud. Purchase life insurance so you won’t be a further burden on your family after you die. Buy this brand of pizza so your family love you and praise your effects. Get your doctor to prescribe our medication or your woman will leave you for a younger more virile man.

You get the gist. It’s all manipulation. Why do they play on our fears, insecurities, and desires? Because it works. They know if they trigger our feelings and then effect our behavior.

Let’s look at grocery store design a little more closely…hang with me here… When we just go in to buy our weekly groceries we don’t realize that everything in that store to it’s layout, lights, music, temperature, and product placement is all calculated and highly studied and tested design. It’s a choreographed dance to get you to buy more stuff. Effecting your emotions and your behavior is a highly lucrative business to be in.

In short, people are intentionally playing on your feelings so they can influence your behavior and get your cash. They’re intentionally trying to keep you scared, keep you focused on your insecurities, and on what you’re lacking in your life. I promise this isn’t a lecture on consumerism, but an attempt to help you be aware of the world around you.

Teachers use classroom management techniques, therapists use tools to aid in growth and awareness, laws and rules are put into effect to keep us safe…all of these are for the greater good (for the most part). But what about people who have bad intentions? The supervisor who plays on your guilt and inability to say no to get you to work overtime…the friend who says they won’t be friends with you anymore unless you do x, y, z…the salesmen playing on your insecurities to get you to buy a useless product.

The list is literally endless. What makes me angry is the times I knew something wasn’t right or someone was just trying to manipulate me, but I went along with it anyway. People have been manipulating us since day 1, and as discussed above, a lot of people make their living off solely manipulating us. And we let them. We let them knowingly and unknowingly.

I have a theory that many of us doing this have what’s called an “external locus of control.” That’s just a fancy way of saying that we think that whatever happens to us in our life is because of outside forces and that we are powerless. These outside forces effect how we feel on the inside.

We end up giving away our inner strength and power to people and entities that don’t deserve it. They target our insecurities and vulnerabilities and sink their hooks into us. We open to door to victimhood because we’ve been taught that others outside of ourselves know better, do better, and are better. We allow ourselves to be manipulated and it leaves us feeling helpless.

Power comes from knowledge and awareness. Be aware of what’s going on around you. Be aware of motives and intentions. You are not helpless. You are not powerless. You do not have to become a victim. Once you realize someone is trying to exploit you, you can make a conscious decision to be assertive, place boundaries, or disengage from them. You can break the cycle!

This week’s challenge is simple. Watch a couple of ads and then ask yourself:

• Are they trying to scare me or entice me?
• What thoughts and feelings are being triggered in me?
• If you are triggered, what are the insecurities, unhealthy beliefs, values, etc. that are getting hooked?

Are there people in your life who have a history of manipulating you? When you’re ready, take the questions further when dealing with them.