Today was an exciting day for me. I had my first photoshoot (as I’m choosing to call it) for my children’s book, King Zara, that will be featured in our local magazine. I’ve been fussing about this thing ever since I was told about it. I bought a new outfit, new makeup, new shape-wear (IYKYK), hair products, jewelry…you name it I bought it. I wanted to present myself a certain way; to look the part of professional therapist and children’s book author.
I found myself in a mini-meltdown last night because nothing was good enough. The outfit made me look frumpy…I don’t even know how to do my hair and makeup…I was putting all the pressure on myself to be and look like something I’m not. All those past insecurities were creeping in. The insecurities of wanting to hide because I didn’t feel pretty, I didn’t feel safe putting myself in a magazine to be scrutinized. I had just spoken to the journalist about my struggle with social anxiety as a teenager and how I’ve worked through it, how I want to help others embrace themselves, and here I am….well, struggling. I felt like that 13 year old version of myself who always wore her hair in a ponytail, wore a letterman jacket year around, and refused to go anywhere because she was scared.
My instinct told me to keep it simple. To stop putting pressure on myself. So I wore something I felt comfortable in, I kept my makeup minimal to my skill level, and I wore my hair down as I always do. I decided to be myself. I decided to accept myself and my abilities for what they are. And it was a relief. Choosing authenticity felt so much better than the anxiety of trying to force myself to be someone I’m not.
P. S. 13 year old me would be mortified that I’m sharing my school picture. She is a part of my story, and she deserves to be loved even if she doesn’t feel worthy.
Unbound Light 