My boyfriend and I recently bought an above-ground pool in an attempt to get more exercise. I only swim after work when it’s dark outside. I love lounging in the water at night – I just float staring up at the stars. It’s quiet, the weather is cooler, and I don’t have to worry about getting sunburnt.
Usually my boyfriend is outside with me, but there’s been a couple of times when I’m there by myself. In dark, quiet isolation I find my mind to be anxious and spinning wild thoughts. Shadows are cast over the front of the pool, darkening out a third of it. The unknown of the darkness frightens me. My thoughts wander to worrying that anything could be lurking there, waiting to lash out and hurt me.
I have images in my mind of an alligator (one of my biggest fears) laying there just out of view; of a venomous snake coiled in an unseen area. I tell myself it’s ridiculous, the likelihood of that being true is next to impossible. Then my mind switches to a scene of an alligator creeping through the backyard, making its way towards me. I spend most of my time looking for alligators and snakes instead of swimming.
What a beautiful metaphor for the life of someone with an anxiety disorder. The unknowns, the darknesses that comes with life leaves so much room for our minds to try to fill in the blanks. We naturally want to be prepared for all the possible scenarios and outcomes. We want to feel a sense of control over our lives.
The part of us that worries, the part of us that does neurotic things to cope with our emotions, the part of us that is trying to keep us safe is just a former version of ourselves who at one time felt these overwhelming emotions and never wants to feel them again. They try to protect us and alert us to anything that may hurt us. When we give in to them we cope with what’s going on, but we may cope in an unhealthy way. Avoiding our feelings, turning to food, alcohol, drugs, etc to feel better, isolating ourselves, self-harming behaviors etc may help us to stop our feelings in the moment, but they are unhealthy and end up hurting us in the long-term.
If this is something you find yourself struggling with, please know it’s possible to live another way. If we’re willing to do the work, we can learn how to overcome the issues we struggle with. Step one is to acknowledge that you’re not thinking clearly – you’re having irrational thoughts. Step two is to begin working towards rational thinking.
What can we do to stop these irrational thoughts? One exercise used is called thought stopping. When irrational thoughts roll through my head, I literally tell myself to stop. I interrupt the thought process and then go down the list of evidence that proves those thoughts are irrational.
The more we think about negative things, the bigger a neural pathway we create around that subject. Do some research on neural pathways and see if it helps you understand what is going on inside your brain and why it’s so easy for us to automatically focus on the negative. Changing our thought process IS possible, but it takes consistent work! When you catch yourself thinking negatively, begin the exercise mentioned above, then add positive thoughts to replace the negative ones. Create new neural pathways!
Our thoughts, physical bodies, emotions, and behavior are all intertwined. When we make a change to one, the others follow! Being mindful and aware of what we’re thinking, feeling, and choosing to do is crucial to our healing.
No one said healing mental health issues were easy. It takes hard work, but it is possible to overcome the things that make you feel crippled now. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise and work through them. They will pass as they always do.
Journal prompt for the week:
Meet the part of you that is frightened with empathy and love. Who is that version of you? You when you were 5? 15? 30? What was going on at that time? What are they afraid of? What happened to cause this fear? Tell them they are safe, they are loved, and that you can take care of them and yourself now.
Unbound Light 