I never knew the true impact of death until my mother died. I’d had family members die before; people I’d gone to school or church with, public figures I had admired.
Grief is a very complex emotion full of complicated feelings, fears, emptiness – my entire world was shattered and it’s like I’ve been in a meteor shower of shards of glass pelting me endlessly. Each shard is an emotion, a regret, a memory, a once dreamed vision of how I thought my future life was going to look. Each shard is something new to mourn.
I mourn my mother, yes, but I also mourn the experiences and memories I thought I’d be able to have with her. I mourn the loss of my confidant and sit with the secrets and dreams I now only keep to myself. I mourn the sense of safety and security that I felt deeply with her. I mourn the loss of family dynamics and traditions that she upheld. I mourn the carefree, naive version of myself that existed before she got sick.
Most of us are in mourning and aren’t even aware of it. The relationship that ended, the job that didn’t pan out, a friend moved away, financial loss, our lives not going the way we planned…there are little deaths we experience all the time, and it’s important to allow ourselves to feel and acknowledge these deaths.
I recently heard, “you have to let in to let go.” I know I’m guilty of finding ways to numb myself or distract myself when these yucky feelings pop up. I check out, so to speak. I avoid the feelings with food, my phone, TV, and video games. The problem is, the feelings don’t go away when I emotionally check out, they resurface again and again. It’s only when I let myself feel and emote these emotions can I move past them.
Is there anything you’re avoiding?
Unbound Light 