“To stay present in everyday life, it helps to be deeply rooted within yourself; otherwise, the mind, which has incredible momentum, will drag you along like a wild river.” -Eckhart Tolle
A few years ago my parents planted 3 trees in my side yard. The instructions that were given for their care was to water them for an extended period of time so the roots would begin growing down into the soil and take root where they were planted. One died pretty quickly. Admittedly, the trees were planted during a tumultuous time in my life and I neglected to water them as often and as long as I was instructed. I kept hope that it would rebound, but it never did. I decided to remove the tree and was surprised at how easily the tree was to lift out of the hole. The roots had never grown down and into the ground.
How does this quote apply to someone whose roots were never watered? Or for whatever reason wasn’t tended to as needed?
In a previous entry I talked about how my thoughts started bombarding me after listening to an old mix tape made in the 90s. Well they haven’t stopped. They’ve snowballed in fact. I find myself in the middle of repeating a scenario where I felt I was being a bad person or felt embarrassed. This scenario spawned from another scenario I was reliving. That from a previous scenario. And I have to backtrack how I even got on this line of thought to begin with. It’s like I’m punishing myself, or making sure I know that I’m a bad person.
So what if my identity is rooted in being a bad person? Or an unworthy person? Or a failure…or the thousand other dark thoughts that lead in the direction of depression and anxiety. I think this is where a lot of us get stuck. I inherently know that I’m a good person and make mistakes like any other human, but I didn’t always know that. My identity was being an overweight, socially awkward, lazy screw-up. How can being deeply rooted in toxic sludge prevent me from getting swept away in the raging river?
Sometimes I think embracing this toxic identity is a great way to deflect responsibility for the mistakes I make. I’m a screw-up…of course I’m not going to succeed, so no need to try. I’m socially awkward – it’s too hard to go out and try new things and be around people. I’m lazy…you should have known I wouldn’t have done the work. It’s your fault for even expecting me to do it in the first place.
If I’m such a terrible person, then the crappy things in life make sense. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to hurt….why else would these crappy things be happening to me? I think our brain tries to makes sense of the world around us in the best way it can at the time.
These may be character traits and flaws we don’t like about ourselves, but it’s not who we TRULY are. It’s one aspect amongst a million other aspects. So who are you really?
You can’t be deeply rooted in yourself if you don’t know who you truly are. Most of us are still operating on the narrative that others told us we were. Every person you meet creates a version of you in their mind. The vision one friend has of you is different from another friend. Which version is true?
We have to start figuring that out – we have to intentionally set out to discover ourselves.
An exercise to try: create a written list of things you believe you are, both positive and negative. Or, if you’re artistic, draw a picture of yourself and then write the labels others have given you.
Now delve deeper. Do you agree with these labels? Ask a trusted friend or loved one: do they agree with the labels?
What labels do you see in yourself? What labels would you like to have?
Unbound Light 