“Do you think you might be depressed?”
I had just cried for the 4th time in a restaurant – a pattern that was newly emerging. Go out to eat with a friend, answer their questions and talk about my emotions about my mother, and cry over the meal with the waiter glancing uncomfortably at me deciding whether to address the tears or ignore them. My boyfriend and I were driving home after this last episode and intuitively this is the question he asked.
“Do you think you might be depressed…” Tears burst from my eyes yet again and I began sobbing. I was OK I insisted through the tears. I can’t remember if I said that to him or if I was just trying to convince myself in my head.
This is the normal start of the spiral. I convince myself that I’m OK and that I’m just allowing myself to feel my feelings. Then my old friend social anxiety shows up. My thoughts get dark and paranoid. I withdraw from society and friends. I get irritable towards loved ones. I just want to stay in bed and my hygiene declines. I cry a lot. A lot, a lot. I’m in denial about what’s going on in my head until it hits me one day….. yeah. I’m depressed.
My brain is literally blank. I can’t think. I can’t remember. The brain fog is a major problem. I can’t focus on what to do let alone make a plan on how to execute it. I’m exhausted and have no energy. My thoughts tells me it’s pointless anyway…nothing matters.
The therapist in me is making a list of all the things I need to do in order to bounce back. It’s the same canned prescribed grad school level “cure-alls” like talking to friends, going for a walk, self-care, do a favorite hobby… The depressed me is telling the therapist me to go screw herself and goes back to bed. I don’t want to do those things because it’s not going to fix the problem. Going for a walk isn’t going to stop my mother from dying. The prescription isn’t strong enough to be a cure. And some days I do go back to bed. Some days I get up and just go through the motions. Some days it’s not so bad. But every day I know it will get better. So, even though I’m not here 100%, I’m still proud of myself for showing up. And that’s how it starts to get better.
Unbound Light 