This past week has been a trip down memory lane. I’m working on cleaning out my parents’ storage unit a few boxes at a time. I’m going through them one-by-one and deciding what items should be kept, donated, or trashed. So far it’s been a bunch of books and keepsakes my parents kept from my childhood.
I always laugh at my childhood self – man was she such a weirdo! Not to mention that every thing I wrote was clear evidence that 1. I was undiagnosed ADHD; and 2. Hooked-On-Phonics did NOT work for me. Whoever taught me to “just sound the word out” when learning how to spell did me no favors.
My discoveries also included 2 cassette tapes from the 90s…the underrated, highly acclaimed soundtrack to some Ninja Turtles movie, and a mystery tape. Cue the suspenseful music…
This mystery cassette is the exotic color of clear. You can see the brown tape wound around the spindles. The front has a medical label with pretyped areas for the patient’s name, date, case number, and physician’s name to be added at the time of the recording. Watch out HIPAA laws, because these are all filled in with names I don’t recognize. On the back, written in permanent marker, “This side for your ears only. Listen alone.”
I found the cassette in a box of my dad’s old things, so I sent him a picture of the front and back along with a teasing text message. Much to my disappointment, he doesn’t recognize the tape or the names either. No clue.
I didn’t listen to it for days. It wasn’t mine and I didn’t feel right about it….until today. Curiosity got the better of me. My boyfriend grabbed his old cassette player, popped the tape in, and hit play. Much to my amazement, the voice on the tape was that of a young girl. Slight Southern accent, and she’s speaking in a way that suggests a hint of desperation. She calls me by my name. “Sarah…you guys may never talk to me again, but I’ll always be your best friend.” She repeats this a few times…”I’ll always be your best friend.” And she’s upset when she says this. Then she masterfully records the song “I’ll Stand By You” by The Pretenders, which is no easy feat back in the 90s. There was a lot of time and effort that was put into the making of that tape.
My first reaction was an uncomfortable laugh. Laughing at the fact this mystery medical tape I was creating various scenarios around ended up just being a mix tape for me from the 90s. Then I laughed at the fact that we even made mix tapes in the first place back then and all the time and energy it took to make them. But, I was really uncomfortable listening to this girl who was upset because of something I had done. I don’t know who she is. I don’t know what was going on at the time. The best guess I have is that it was some middle school drama over something stupid…you know, the usual.
I was also uncomfortable because it held a mirror up to my face. I don’t have a ton of memories from childhood – I’m an “out of sight out of mind” person when it comes to recalling memories. I’ve spent a large portion of my life remembering situations where I was bullied or excluded. I even had ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) sessions around mean girl interactions from childhood. I remember being the victim, but don’t remember being the perpetrator. And here is irrefutable proof that I have caused another person emotional pain.
I know who the mean girls were in my life at that time…could I have been someone else’s mean girl?
I left to drive the 3 hours to my parents’ house where I then had a flood of memories where I was not the best person in various situations. Where I was the mean girl. Where I flaked out on people. Where I lacked the ability to communicate effectively and lacked the courage to even try…so I just bailed. I’ve never claimed to be the perfect person, but dang. I’ve done some messed up stuff. I’ve hurt people. There is definitely an ugly side to me that has and can come out.
It would be very easy to backslide and beat myself up about these discoveries. Being a victim is a coat I wear well (as history shows). Beating myself up and punishing myself for mistakes I’ve made is the real childhood memento found in those boxes. Here’s what I’m going to do instead:
- I’m going to separate that version of myself from the person I currently am.
- I’m going to forgive that version of myself and give her the knowledge I have now that I didn’t have then.
- I’m going to thank and honor the girl who made the mix tape. She had the courage to do what I couldn’t…and still sometimes can’t…
- I’m going to recognize the unhealthy patterns I have and work to break the cycle.
Healing isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. It’s realizing the harsh reality that we’re not always the victim. Sometimes we’re the perpetrator. To others and to ourselves. We all have dark sides to us that we may struggle with. We have to acknowledge our shadow self, look it in the face, and give this part of ourselves love. Healing is work – we have to learn new, healthier ways of dealing with our shadow self and work to break the cycle. Holding yourself accountable for your actions and reactions is one of the best things you can do for yourself!
Unbound Light 